The theme of seasons has continued to play out in my life.
I have two sisters, one older and one younger (raise your hand if you are the middle child!). I've always known I was different from them ... I've been called the 'odd duck.' Sometimes it has hurt, sometimes it has been lonely and sometimes it has just flat out sucked. But as I've gotten older, I've grown more into the person I know I am meant to be and I have found comfort and confidence in that.
My older sister is a wonderful mother to three of the sweetest children you'll ever meet. My younger sister married her high school sweetheart and just gave birth to their first child, a beautiful baby boy.
My nieces and nephews have brought such indescribable joy to my life and I love being an aunt. But the night when little A was born, I went home after meeting him and collapsed in my husband's arms. "Will that ever be us?" My heart was so happy and was absolutely broken at the same time.
I cannot wrap my mind around how very differently my life has turned out from how I thought it would. In tenth grade, I thought I'd marry right after high school and start having babies immediately. I had a huge capacity for love and I felt that was where I would thrive, as a wife and a mother.
Yet here I am, 32 years old, married 3 1/2 years with no children and fighting for my life. Some days my reality can be a tough pill to swallow.
The morning after my sob fest, I woke up with this song playing in my head.
There are so many great lines in this song, but I found myself clinging to the start of the bridge:
I can see the promise
I can see the future
You're the God of seasons
And I'm just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it's worth my patience
Then if You're not done working
God I'm not done waiting
Waiting doesn't come easy to me. I'm not sure it comes easy to anyone. But this song renewed my hope that even though I am in the winter, God is at work. All may look barren and dead to me right now but there is new growth just underneath the soil. God knows the desire of my heart is to be a mom and while it may not come about the way I imagined it would, it will be all the sweeter when it does happen.
All my love,
**My surgery update will hopefully be up by the end of the week. For now, know that I am healing and doing well.**