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  • Writer's pictureStephanie

The future, revisited

One year difference

I am quickly coming up on my one year cancerversary. It is strange and surreal. I thought I would be done with treatment months ago, fully celebrating being cancer free. But here I am.

I had my first iron infusion last Tuesday. All went well during the infusion but I ended up experiencing some pretty bad back pain so they've decided to give me a different type of iron at my next infusion, which is this afternoon. They are hoping this particular iron won't cause side effects. After today, I will have two more infusions.

Tomorrow is my first birthday since my diagnosis (and one year since my biopsy). I will be celebrating 33 years on this crazy, beautiful planet. As time has marched on and I've become discouraged with this process, I've lost sight of the things I am looking forward to doing in my future. So for my own sake, I've decided to revisit the list I made on November 7, 2018.

  • I can't wait to go back to Sandals Resort with my handsome husband! This one is still a dream, but hopefully it will come true in a few years!

  • I’m so excited to someday become a mom. I will admit, this one has become hazy. I have started to feel like this will only ever be a dream ...

  • I can't wait to be finished with AC chemo! CHECK!

  • I’m looking forward to celebrating the Christmas season. Buying wrapping paper, watching cheesy Christmas movies, decorating my house, eating allllllllll of the Christmas cookies ... I love it all! Well, I don't think I ate a single Christmas cookie, but it was still a good season.

  • I can’t wait until I can have my nieces over to my home for a sleepover. J + L - I promise, this will happen!

  • I want to travel to Europe! Italy, France and the UK top my list. Sigh. This will always be in my dreams.

  • I’m going to thoroughly enjoy food again, without my taste buds being muddied by chemo. I've had moments here and there ... But I am still waiting on this one!

  • I want to learn how to do henna. Anyone able to teach me?

  • I can’t wait to meet my nephew in March! CHECK! I absolutely adore him!

  • I’m looking forward to styling and coloring my hair again. Let's just say ... we're getting there?

  • I want to stay at Giraffe Manor in Kenya and feed the giraffes from my window. Long term dream. Way in the future.

  • I want to have game nights at my house with Ricky and our family and friends. Getting closer to this ...

  • I can’t wait to start living an active life - exercising and getting fit. Anemia sucks. That is all.

  • I am looking forward to going back to Disney World! I'd especially love to go to the Flower Show! This is what I want to do to celebrate my completion of treatment!

  • I want to write and publish a book. Write a book? I'm lucky if I can write a coherent text these days!

  • I am eager to have my ability to concentrate back so I can read and enjoy books again! See previous status ... My brain is fried. I have managed to finish a few books, but not nearly as many as I'd like!

It has been 9 months since I wrote that list. I've accomplished things not listed and I've mentally added a few things that I am looking forward to in the future. But the thing I am taking away here is the importance of hope. I need to continue to have hope for my future. Things will get better. And regardless of how things are constantly changing, there is One Thing that will never change and I can let my hope rest in that.

So I will praise You on the mountain

And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way

You’re the summit where my feet are

So I will praise You in the valleys all the same

No less God within the shadows

No less faithful when the night leads me astray

You’re the heaven where my heart is

In the highlands and the heartache all the same

"Highlands (Song of Ascent)" - Hillsong UNITED

Updates and Prayer Requests:

  • I will finish up cycle four of Xeloda Saturday, August 24th. The plan is to start my fifth cycle of Xeloda Sunday, September 1st.

  • My side effects continue to worsen. I am dealing with nausea, loss of appetite, mouth sores and plenty of random pains. I am hoping that when I go in today for my infusion I will be able to chat with a nurse about this to see if anything can be done to make things more tolerable.

  • At my last infusion I was able to talk to my oncologist's nurse and get a message to my Doctor regarding the dosage. She decided to keep me on 2 pills 2x a day for now. Thank God!

  • My next appointment with my oncologist is September 3rd.

All my love,

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