Warning: true feelings ahead
It has been an interesting couple of days ... I had my first round of Abraxane on Monday, December 17th. My blood counts were good and I didn't have an allergic reaction to the infusion. But my emotions have officially been overloaded. I started to cry towards the end of the infusion, for no reason in particular. My nurse was so sweet; he leaned down and encouraged me, saying "You're doing great." In that moment, that was exactly what I needed. But I still ended up crying a good part of the ride home. I took a nap and felt better emotionally when I woke up, but I started feeling a tingling itch all over my body.
I called my oncologist's office and spoke to the on call doctor. He didn't seem concerned and just told me to take Benadryl.
I woke up Tuesday still feeling itchy, so I left a message for my oncologist. As the day went on, I became more and more exhausted but I didn't want to miss the call back from the office so I was trying to stay awake. Around 4:30 pm, I spoke to my oncologist's nurse and she told me if there was no visible rash, I should not be taking Benadryl. She said Abraxane isn't known to cause itching and that I needed to make sure I was eating and drinking.
That night when Ricky got home, I had what I can only describe as a mental breakdown. I was a blubbering mess. Everything has been catching up to me ... And I just had to cry it out. Things haven't been easy. I've tried to stay positive and upbeat and focus on the good but it has been almost four months since my life was turned upside down.
I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm sick of feeling so weak. I'm bored. I don't feel Christmasy, which is really sad because this is typically my favorite time of year. I feel unhealthy. I miss my hair. I want to be done with chemo. I don't want to have to have surgery and radiation. In summation-- I HATE CANCER AND I WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT.
This is not me throwing a pity party for myself. This is me being real. Every person is different but I think it is important to be honest about your journey, the messy and the beautiful. I wrote about this in another blog you can read here: Love is Loudest.
I want to encourage people, especially other young women who are facing this horrible beast known as cancer. But I feel I have a responsibility to include the bad stuff because I don't want anyone to compare my journey to theirs and think I sailed through cancer with a smile on my face the entire time.
I love you all and I am so grateful for your desire to follow along with me on this journey. I know this post is not the happiest but I hope you'll stick with me. Things will get better -- but I need to be true to the entire experience.
Updates & Prayer Requests:
I was able to have my sisters and my mom over for a Christmas movie night!
My digestion has greatly improved. Right now I don't have much of an appetite or desire to drink water, so please pray for that to improve.
Please pray for this itchy/tingly feeling to go away.
Continue to pray for my blood counts.
Because my third taxol infusion had to be stopped, I am now a week behind schedule. My last chemo should now be the third week of February.
My next three infusions are: Monday, December 24th (yes, Christmas Eve) at 12:30 pm, Monday, December 31st (yes, New Years Eve) at 12:15 pm and Monday, January 7th at 12:30 pm (I will meet with my oncologist first).
As always, thank you for your love, prayers and support.
All my love,